Overcorrecting behavior — whether it's a manifestation of our type's passion, or maybe we are noticing our unuseful behavior patterns and trying out some new things (& we quickly find out that maybe this time around, it wasn't beneficial to me or others) — it's all part of the process. 

When we continue our inner work and growth path, we find more and more clarity, but the process can look so messy! So out of a sense of common humanity and learning what works best for us by discovering what doesn’t, let's dive into just a few examples of how we may overcorrect according to our type. 

When discovering your Enneagram type, it’s important to focus on the core motivation of each type rather than focusing on each type’s common behaviors. For some, recognizing their core motivation is immediate. For others, it takes a bit more self-discovery along with, perhaps, some deeper knowledge of the Enneagram. In this post, I highlight 4 things we should keep in mind when we talk about core motivations, as well as an overview of each type’s motivation and what they’re frequently avoiding. You’ll also find journal prompts to help guide you through observing your own core motivation.

I've teamed up with parent coach, @evita_wellness, for this post. Rebecca is a coach and counselor in British Columbia, Canada, and she’s trained in the Enneagram, Somatic Attachment Therapy, and working with trauma. She also has extensive experience in parent-teen mediation, parent coaching, and she is a parent of 3 herself! All that to say – she knows her stuff AND as an Enneagram 8, she’s going to point YOU back to what you already know in your own experience and development. Rebecca believes in empowering and encouraging parents as they are, which is why she uses the Enneagram in this sphere.

Using the Enneagram in your parenting has less to do with typing your kids and more to do with effective self-management. The goal here isn't to be perfect: the goal is to find self-compassion, growth, and the way forward as an imperfect person raising humans.

When I think about communication, I think about more than just talking: it’s how we express ourselves (even silence is a form of self-expression), it’s how we connect (or don’t), it’s how we build relationships and cultivate our lives. It’s everything! And this is one of THE most important ways I think we can use the Enneagram. How do you communicate with yourself? (Yes, it’s a thing!) And how do you communicate with others?

If you’ve been curious about using the Enneagram for growth, improving your relationships, and deepening self-awareness, I have good news for you!

Sometimes too much of a good thing can actually create challenges for us. Our strengths are no different. At times, we know when we’re overusing our strengths, but sometimes this tendency is more challenging to recognize. I love to use the Enneagram to identify strengths in myself and others, but we also need to notice when we are overusing them!

We all get on each others’ nerves every now and then.

When I say we “get on each others’ nerves,” what I mean is that we all do things that irritate others, and others do things that irritate us. I truly believe this is just a natural part of being a human in relationships with other humans.

We especially tend to get irritated when we see our own unwanted behavior in others OR when we experience others’ behavior as an accusation.

If we can bring curiosity to this rather than frustration, assumption, or judgment, we can make our lives (and communication!) a lot easier.

With that in mind, I also want to highlight that you might be irritated by MANY of the bullet points on these lists… or you might find them innocuous. Either way, I’m not here to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do about them.

You’re used to me asking you to re-evaluate your expectations, take a good look at yourself, and identify ways to add more self-compassion and softness to your life.

And that’s valuable! But let’s be honest: sometimes we just need to get sh*t done. While it’s natural to view these two concepts as polar opposites, I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive. I do think it’s possible to be self-compassionate AND motivated (author Kristin Neff has a few more thoughts about this coexistence here).

As I’ve worked to be more self-compassionate in my own life, I’ve found that rest, rejuvenation, and re-evaluating what I really need to do are all helpful tools that help me stay a little more motivated.

A few months ago, I asked in my stories how you motivate yourself. Immediately, something in my mind said, “what if we don’t need more motivation, but more rest?” So then I asked: how do you know if what you REALLY need is rest?

There’s a difference! Sometimes, we just need a little motivational jumpstart, but often, I think we actually need to rest and recharge. In response to the question, every type said something along the lines of: I know I need rest when I don’t want to see loved ones, I can’t find motivation, I’m irritable, and I’m exhausted. I think that rather than being Enneagram-specific, these are all just aspects of being human.

The Passions are reactions to the wounding messages of our childhood. Somewhere in our stories, we internalized a message that it wasn’t safe for us to be who we really are, so we unconsciously put on a mask to help us survive and get our needs met. The passions are a type of emotional “vice”. And vices control us – we do not control them. The passion of our type is bigger than any other emotional state we have, is always present, and informs what we believe, feel and do. Doing the inner work of the enneagram is, in many ways, learning to step out of our stories and limiting beliefs, so that the passion can begin to loosen its grip on us, and we can start to live from our place of virtue (our true self) again.

Many of us are really good at putting others first, affirming others, being forgiving and gracious toward others, and making time for others, but we don’t offer ourselves the same attention. Some of us use all our energy out in the world and have nothing left for ourselves. Some of us avoid processing and validating our own emotions. Some of us have never considered an alternative.

MY MOST POPULAR INSTAGRAM POST EVER! Communication is E V E R Y T H I N G. It’s how we express ourselves (even silence is a form of self-expression), it’s how we connect (or don’t), it’s how we build relationships and cultivate our lives. It’s everything! That’s why I’ve called this little series Life, Relationships, Communication & the Enneagram rather than just “Communication Approaches” - it’s all-encompassing!

I’ve listed communication tips for each Enneagram type to help you take your knowledge to the next level and transform your relationships. I think you’ll find these communication styles by Enneagram type incredibly useful in your daily life.