Parenting From the Best of Your Enneagram Type
I've teamed up with parent coach, @evita_wellness, for this post. Rebecca is a coach and counselor in British Columbia, Canada, and she’s trained in the Enneagram, Somatic Attachment Therapy, and working with trauma. She also has extensive experience in parent-teen mediation, parent coaching, and she is a parent of 3 herself! All that to say – she knows her stuff AND as an Enneagram 8, she’s going to point YOU back to what you already know in your own experience and development. Rebecca believes in empowering and encouraging parents as they are, which is why she uses the Enneagram in this sphere.
Using the Enneagram in your parenting has less to do with typing your kids and more to do with effective self-management. The goal here isn't to be perfect: the goal is to find self-compassion, growth, and the way forward as an imperfect person raising humans.
This post is intentionally focused on the positive things. It’s meant to be supportive of where you are now vs. describing perhaps how your parents were. Any time I talk about parenting, I get a lot of pushback because people feel like their specific woundings from their parents aren’t represented in the post. That’s fair! We all have things like that. But this is intended to be an encouragement toward those who are parenting now & helping them see what they’re doing well vs. healing childhood challenges (which is 100% valid but also not solved by an instagram post).
A little note: I’m not a parent, but many of my friends and family members are. Parenting seems really hard (rewarding, but hard!), as it brings up a lot of our own hurts, failures, and past struggles. Specifically, the last two years have been brutal for many parents I know with children of all ages, whether that’s doing school at home, being stuck indoors, feeling isolated, carrying the mental load as the default provider, or overall just feeling totally burned out. It’s been A LOT. If you're working to develop yourself, become more aware, or become a better parent, I bet you're already doing a great job, and I'm proud of you. I hope this post is supportive and encouraging.
Before we hop into the full post, I also want to share two episodes of my podcast, Ask an Enneagram Coach. These episodes are from February 2021, and they feature Rebecca Horch, @evita_wellness, talking about parenting, pandemic parenting, using the Enneagram in parenting, and various related topics. I hope you enjoy!
Be sure to scroll to the bottom of the post for some reflection questions!
TYPE ONE
Overview
Because of their incredible gifts of discernment and wisdom, a Type One parent will be able to help guide their kids toward the most compassionate and appropriate action to take.
Parenting Strengths
Type One parents are fair and consistent, and they insist that their children have strong moral values and take responsibility seriously
They are often able to maintain a calm reaction in the midst of chaos, although their internal reaction may feel different
They ensure that their kids have all they need and are properly loved and provided for
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on expanding your idea of what is right and wrong. Entertain the possibility that there are other ways of seeing things so that when it comes down to the few things that really matter, you can draw a hard line.
TYPE TWO
Overview
Because Type Two parents are able to easily relate with others and enjoy meeting their needs, parenting the people they love most in the world becomes a true privilege for them. Their warmth radiates in parenting.
Parenting Strengths
Type Two parents are very warm and encouraging
They are good listeners and are often able to “read” their children’s desires and emotions without many verbal indicators
They will give themselves in services to their kids, ensuring every emotional and physical need is met before they think of themselves
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on your assumption that your family will intuit your needs in the same way that you do them. Practice naming what you feel & why in order to express your needs to your family instead of hoping they will understand your indirect way of expressing your desires.
TYPE THREE
Overview
Because Type Threes are so optimistic, friendly, and upbeat they are able to motivate and encourage their kids in a way that inspires growth and persistence as they grow.
Parenting Strengths
Type Three parents are consistent, dependable, and loyal
Although Threes can be out of tune with how they are feeling internally, they are often attuned to the emotional needs of their kids
They are wonderful motivators for their kids and know how to model a hard work ethic and quick recoveries after setbacks
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on being in tune with your own emotional world. You might not realize that tension with your kids is exacerbating something that is going on inside you that you’re unaware of.
TYPE FOUR
Overview
Because Type Fours have an unbelievable ability to sit with their children in pain or hurt without having a desire to “fix” it right away, their children learn to really work through their pain in an authentic and real way.
Parenting Strengths
Type Four parents support, help, and encourage their children to become who they really are
They’re able to draw out their children’s creativity and originality, and they are often very in tune and playful with their children
They desire deep communication with their children and are skilled at helping to draw this out for greater connection
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on developing your ability to set your emotions aside when needed. Your emotional attunement is an asset, but feeling all your feelings AND all your kid’s feelings at once can leave you overwhelmed.
TYPE FIVE
Overview
Because Type Fives have a remarkable capacity to stay objective and separate situations from emotions, they are able to act as a wonderful sounding board for their children when they are experiencing difficulties. They are good at helping kids problem solve in a logical, well-thought-out, and rational way.
Parenting Strengths
Type Five parents are kind, perceptive and devoted
They encourage their children to explore their intellectual creativity and curiosity and often engage with them in their own quest for knowledge
Their perceptiveness allows them to pick up on their children’s needs
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on getting involved in something you and your child can love together. When you’re engaged in something you both enjoy, it helps you to feel filled up rather than depleted.
TYPE SIX
Overview
Because Type Sixes have an ability to think through all situations and their possible outcomes, they are able to teach their children the necessary skill of troubleshooting and brainstorming. This also teaches their kids the power of courage – being able to sit in discomfort in order to think through it for the benefit of everyone else around them.
Parenting Strengths
Type Six parents are loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty and loyalty
They are incredibly dependable for their children
They encourage their children to learn hard work, how to be compassionate toward others, and how to be responsible humans
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on trusting your own inner wisdom in your parenting decision making. Instead of automatically going to others for advice, first ask yourself “if someone asked me this, how would I respond?” Let your inner wisdom guide you in your parenting journey.
TYPE SEVEN
Overview
Because Type Sevens are able to truly embrace the moment and radiate joy from it, this teaches their children the power of a good attitude and looking for good in all things.
Parenting Strengths
Type Sevens are often enthusiastic, generous, and affirming parents to their children
They want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life
They are unafraid to allow their children to take risks and truly enjoy life, often finding joy in their children’s joy – even in the small things
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on expanding your emotional expression. Kids can have a hard time learning emotions if they’re not named or expressed, so modeling how it looks to feel sad, disappointed, or vulnerable can be valuable for them.
TYPE EIGHT
Overview
Because Type Eights are incredibly protective, they will be their children’s ultimate advocate whenever they need it. They will model standing up against injustice and are ultimately wonderful models for their children in self-confidence.
Parenting Strengths
Type Eight parents are often loyal, caring, and lovingly protective of their children
They are skilled at encouraging their children to approach challenges head-on in honest and straightforward ways
Type Eight parents are incredibly supportive and empower their children to think for themselves and stand up for the vulnerable
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on releasing the reins and trusting others in your life to help you with parenting. Know that when you release some control, your kids can then have other loving and trusting adults in their life, which only serves them in their development. If you struggle to trust the people that are close with you, seek guidance from teachers, community organizations and parenting support groups that can lead you to finding your village.
TYPE NINE
Overview
Because Type Nine parents have the much-needed ability to stay calm during conflict, they teach their children the power of a peaceful home. They are able to bring harmony to unlikely situations, modeling conflict resolution, which is a life skill we all need to learn.
Parenting Strengths
Type Nine parents are supportive, kind, empathetic and warm
They are nonjudgmental and accepting of who their children are without any desire to change anything about them
They are able to relax with their kids and really focus on enjoying that quality time
One Skill to Develop if You Haven’t Yet
Work on stepping into the relationship with yourself. Begin asking yourself what you need, what you think, what you’re feeling, and what you want. The more you do this, the deeper your relationship can be with your kids because you’ll understand what an empowered experience it is to show up and own your presence.
Reflection
How do you parent from the best of your type?
How can you develop yourself so that you can reconnect with your true self, and in doing so model this for your kids?
How do you show your kids your struggles, successes, perseverance, self-honesty, and self-kindness?
