Self-Friendship by Enneagram Type
A few months ago, we talked about friendship here. As I was creating that post, I reflected on the ways that each of us are really good at being great friends to others… and I was struck by how influential we would be if we extended the same kindness toward ourselves.
Many of us are really good at putting others first, affirming others, being forgiving and gracious toward others, and making time for others, but we don’t offer ourselves the same attention. Some of us use all our energy out in the world and have nothing left for ourselves. Some of us avoid processing and validating our own emotions. Some of us have never considered an alternative.
To me, the concept of self-friendship is simple: it’s considering how we would respond to a friend who needed a little love and doing the same thing for ourselves.
Type One:
I practice self-friendship by...
Validating myself instead of waiting on reassurance from others
Speaking truth to myself out loud, especially when my inner critic is too loud
Reminding myself that things go wrong sometimes, and it’s no one’s fault
Trusting what I feel and want rather than listening to the “shoulds”
Responding to my inner critic the same way I would to a discouraged friend
Remembering my worth isn’t dependent on my performance
Practicing positive self-talk, especially around rest, productivity, and perfection
Type Two:
I practice self-friendship by...
Asking myself: how are you? What do you need today?
Enforcing my boundaries without guilt
Practicing self-validation and giving attention to my needs
Taking myself out for a movie, coffee, ice cream, etc.
Reminding myself that I don’t need to do anything spectacular to be loved
Celebrating my accomplishments instead of expecting others to do it for me
Reassuring myself when I feel down, especially if I am feeling rejected
Type Three:
I practice self-friendship by...
Saving some time for myself rather than giving it all away
Validating my need for rest
Reminding myself that my worth isn’t based on others’ opinion, approval, or admiration
Giving myself words of affirmation, especially affirmation to feel and express feelings
Extending extra kindness, grace, and empathy to myself
Enjoying a day without a checklist or agenda
Banishing guilt and saying yes to new projects only when I really mean it
Type Four:
I practice self-friendship by...
Taking myself out for coffee so I can process alone
Honoring my feelings through journaling, meditation, or prayer
Affirming things I know to be true of me out loud
Being kind to my emotions and allowing myself to feel/process them for healing
Reminding myself that I don’t have to have it all together AND I can change the narrative
Spending intentional time alone to think, dream, or create
Leaning into what makes me feel creative and alive
Type Five:
I practice self-friendship by...
Asking myself interesting questions and giving myself time to process my thoughts
Giving myself space not to have all the answers
Doing something alone that I enjoy without strong expectations or rules so I can explore
Processing out loud with myself what I’m learning
Listening to songs that make me feel happy and present
Creating gratitude lists each day
Leaning into things that are active yet calming, like painting, running, knitting, yoga
Type Six:
I practice self-friendship by...
Leaning into internal guidance & doing what is best for me
Giving myself time to rest and not feeling responsible for others
Reminding myself it’s okay to take care of my mental and physical health
Allowing myself to cancel something on my self-imposed schedule
Taking time alone, away from the opinions of others
Doing something creative that I can enjoy
Being there for myself as I process worries and concerns, then self-soothing
Type Seven:
I practice self-friendship by...
Guiding myself through difficult emotions
Affirming myself & giving myself permission to not be joyful all the time
Spending quiet time to unwind
Keeping promises and plans with myself
Celebrating the little things
Taking myself out for mini-adventures so I can enjoy things I love at a slower pace
Getting in touch with what I truly want and working toward it
Type Eight:
I practice self-friendship by...
Reminding myself that it’s okay not to be the strong one sometimes
Saying no when I’ve got too much on my plate
Having a “me time” routine each morning: coffee, reading, meditating, etc.
Having compassion for all my emotions instead of shaming myself for feeling things
Listening to physical cues (exhaustion, hunger, etc.) rather than pushing through
Saying soft, kind things to myself on a daily basis
Spending time alone
Type Nine:
I practice self-friendship by...
Journaling, sharing my thoughts on pen and paper to allow myself to process
Respecting my need for alone time so that I can tune into what I really want or need
Accepting that some days I don’t have energy for certain things
Allowing myself space to form and express my own opinions
Observing when I have spoken up and affirming myself
Cultivating a peaceful, calming environment
Spending quality time with myself
