Getting on Each Others' Nerves - by Enneagram Type
We all get on each others’ nerves every now and then.
When I say we “get on each others’ nerves,” what I mean is that we all do things that irritate others, and others do things that irritate us. I truly believe this is just a natural part of being a human in relationships with other humans.
We especially tend to get irritated when we see our own unwanted behavior in others OR when we experience others’ behavior as an accusation. For example, if a coworker edited your writing on a shared document, it could be easy to think, “Wow, she must just think I’m not smart enough to figure this out,” when in reality, the coworker might be thinking, “I’m going to be helpful and make sure this is correct before it’s sent to the client!” What the coworker is intending in this scenario doesn’t matter if we’ve already internalized the assumption that “she thinks I’m stupid.”
If we can bring curiosity to this rather than frustration, assumption, or judgment, we can make our lives (and communication!) a lot easier.
With that in mind, I also want to highlight that you might be irritated by MANY of the bullet points on these lists… or you might find them innocuous. Either way, I’m not here to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do about them.
I’m not saying that…
You should never associate with people who do things that annoy you. What a lonely existence that would be! Instead, I’m just wanting to open up conversation and curiosity.
You shouldn’t be annoyed by these things. You can feel how you feel! And it’s up to you to decide what to do next. I will never be the person who insists you must get along with everyone you meet. Sometimes people just don’t mix, and we can be polite and respectful from afar.
These things are universally irritating to everyone you’ll ever meet. These are all entirely subjective! These lists are based on responses from my question stickers, and they’re self-reported by each type.
All of these behaviors are bad. Nope! Many of them are natural, understandable responses! We don’t have to change everything that makes others feel annoyed, but it’s helpful to reflect on these things sometimes.
We can control others’ behavior if they annoy us. We can set boundaries for how we conduct our lives and relationships, but that doesn’t mean we can dictate how others are around us. I know we all know this, but just a thought to reiterate 😊
How to use these lists:
Get curious about yourself! If someone does something that bothers or upsets you, is there something underneath that? Are you believing something unhelpful about yourself or others in that? (It’s okay if the answer is no – sometimes things are just annoying, and there’s nothing more to it!)
Don’t use these for self-typing - if you don’t resonate with 100% of the statements on your type’s lists, be curious about what feels MORE true for you. Use what sticks, let the rest go.
Talk about these things with friends and family! In what ways do you get on each others’ nerves? How does that lead to conflict? How can you cultivate more empathy and understanding in your relationships?
I put a little “whoops! Sorry!” in the graphics to communicate that typically these actions are not intentionally malicious. Adding a little lightness can help diffuse some of our defensiveness and self-judgment. Leaning into self-compassion can help us move forward when we’d like to.
Be kind to yourself & kind to others. We don’t always have to assume goodwill (that can get us in trouble at times), but use your best discernment to try to release some assumptions. Thanks for reading!
Type One
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram One
Giving advice instead of empathizing or engaging in curiosity
Offering a better solution once someone has already started on a project
Making sure something is done correctly, even though it’s not my responsibility
Being a little “too honest”
Focusing on clarity and accuracy to the point that it seems like I always think I know better (when in reality, I’m just trying to figure things out, too)
Holding others to extremely high standards
Telling others what to do rather than asking what they plan to do
Offering constructive criticism before highlighting what a great job someone has done
Telling others when I think they’re wrong
How Others Might Get on My Nerves - Enneagram 1
Ignoring my advice
Doing something poorly or not giving their best effort
Telling me to “just relax” or “loosen up”
Asking me to do something without any guidelines or clarity
Interrupting me
Not acknowledging my hard work
Lack of follow-through on commitments (if you can’t do it, just let me know upfront!)
Glossing over details when planning something
Working over me or fixing my work
Type Two
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram Two
Believing that I know people better than they know themselves
Solving others’ problems without first asking if they’d like my input
Acting like others can’t do anything without me
Struggling to let go when others no longer need my perspective
Forgetting to take care of myself
Not giving people space to learn or try on their own
Pushing others’ emotional boundaries because I’m looking for a deeper connection
Getting attached quickly
Focusing more on the “me” that others can see rather than sharing how I’m really doing
How Others Might Get on My Nerves - Enneagram 2
Taking advantage of my helpfulness
Not making time for me
Shutting down my desire to help without care or compassion (I get that I need to pull back sometimes, but it really helps when others say no kindly so I can learn)
Underestimating me, especially assuming that I only know how to “help” and can’t lead or be strategic
Not trusting my instincts
Asking for advice and then going to someone else for the same advice
Telling me I’m “too emotional” or “too passionate”
When others go out of their way to be unkind
Not appreciating me or my efforts
Type Three
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram Three
Being endlessly focused on how things seem rather than how things are
Putting relational connection on the back burner
Insisting people recognize my ideas and give credit
Taking decisive action before consulting all involved
Having such a hard time communicating about my feelings that it seems like I don’t feel anything or I don’t care (even though I do!)
Being whoever I need to be in the moment
Not understanding when others need to move a different pace and thereby failing to see the merit in slowing down, feeling feelings, or even having fun
Trying to relate to someone by talking about myself and unintentionally taking the attention
Wanting everything done yesterday
How Others Might Get on My Nerves - Enneagram 3
Criticizing me without merit
Relying on me to do extra tasks or chores and not seeing how much I’m already doing
Asking me too many questions, especially when I’m busy
Not trusting my abilities or jumping in and taking over
Changing things at the last second without regard for my time or effort – I’m adaptable, but please communicate!
Publicly pointing out a flaw (I genuinely want to improve, just please share in a less public way if possible!)
Sugarcoating or making me guess what they’re saying
Not using time well and then expecting me to make up the difference
Holding such high expectations that I feel set up to fail
Type Four
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram Four
Over- romanticizing or idealizing everything
Turning conversations back to my experience
Passionately expressing information when others aren’t ready to listen
Discrediting others’ ideas or interests because they aren’t as interesting or compelling as mine
Asking deep questions when others aren’t prepared
Oversharing (sometimes I realize it, sometimes I don’t)
Insisting on taking the course I’m passionate about, even when it’s not the most “practical” path according to others
Lashing out when others don’t respond exactly as I wanted them to
Taking things personally when reading between the lines (and not realizing it’s not about me)
How Others Might Get on My Nerves - Enneagram 4
Telling me how I “must” be feeling
Not showing up as their authentic self
Trying to “fix” me
Forcing me to do mundane or pointless tasks
Insisting on having small talk instead of getting into a conversation
Trying to rein me in or ground me in the present (just because I think differently doesn’t mean I’m not present!)
Labeling me
Invalidating my feelings
Assuming I am incompetent just because I outwardly express my emotions (the two can coexist)
Type Five
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram Five
Reserving my thoughts or opinions, which can make it seem like I’m not present
Sharing my detailed thoughts or opinions when I’m finally ready but others may not be
Seeming like a “know-it-all” when I talk about nuanced topics I’ve researched
Working independently instead of building a team
Suggesting alternatives, which can be perceived as being uncooperative
Requesting sources before finding validity in someone’s point
Not caring about social norms
Expecting others to be more detail-oriented when making decisions
Poking holes in someone’s argument or challenging their assumptions
How Others Might Get on My Nerves - Enneagram 5
Beating around the bush
Treating me as if I’m cold or uncaring because I focus on data, especially when making decisions
Not trusting my opinion or perspective
Starting deep conversations after I’ve said I don’t have capacity
Trying to engage in small talk when I’m not ready
Not respecting my privacy or designated space
Fact-checking everything I say
Interrupting me
Speaking as an expert when they’re not (especially if I am)
Type Six
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram Six
Asking “too many” questions
Being suspicious of others’ motives or decisions
Over-explaining myself or my ideas (sometimes others experience this as patronizing)
Communicating concern over things that might seem insignificant to others
Asking questions that are beyond the current depth of the relationship
Being a little “too honest” when sharing my thoughts
Pushing back or being contradictory in my search for certainty
Being vocal about what makes me uncertain and looking for information to fix it
Suggesting the responsible or practical course of action, even when it’s not as fun
How Others Might Get on My Nerves - Enneagram 6
Telling me to “wing it”
Being dishonest or vague
Lacking consideration for others
Overlooking my thoughts and opinions when they don’t fit the narrative
Rushing me into something when I haven’t had time to think
Misunderstanding my caution as “weakness” rather than seeing that I’m vigilant about making sure things will go well, and therefore caution can help everyone
Not following through on commitments
Not telling me the truth because they’re afraid I can’t handle it (I can!)
Dismissing me by saying “look on the bright side” or “it’ll be fine!”
Type Seven
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram Seven
Not being able to honor every obligation because I said yes out of excitement
Getting so excited about a plan or idea that I don’t give others a chance to give input
Interrupting or finishing people’s sentences
Not allowing space for emotional or deep conversations when I’m not in the right headspace
Not planning ahead and expecting it to all go swimmingly
Talking excessively and not checking in with my surroundings
Moving forward too quickly or jumping around in conversation
Seeming to lack empathy because I don’t want to feel heavy emotions
Not letting someone know when I’m bothered, and then getting fed up and turning on a dime
How Others Might Get on My Nerves - Enneagram 7
Jumping to solutions when I need to verbally process
Telling me what to do
Boxing me in and taking away my ability to expand and explore
Immediately poking holes in my plan or telling me it’s impossible
Assuming I’m shallow
Setting limitations on who I am and what I want
Forcing me to think through specifics when I’m brainstorming
Treating me like I don’t have feelings – I have feelings, but I don’t share with everyone
Dismissing my perspective or intelligence
Type Eight
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram Eight
Taking control of a situation, especially when I see a lack of leadership
Telling others how to approach whatever they’re struggling with
Going to extreme lengths to prove a point
Saying whatever is on my mind without first considering others’ feelings
Ignoring the rules if I believe they’re unnecessary
Stating my opinion as though it is fact
Pushing back just to push (even if I don’t agree with the point I’m arguing)
Not trusting that someone can do it as well as I can
Being overly “cut-and-dry” about decisions that may be emotional for others
How Others Might Get on My Nerves - Enneagram 8
Not trusting my judgment
Assuming how I will respond to a situation
Not following through, especially when I trusted you’d show up for me
Dismissing how much I truly care about people because my care doesn’t always look how others expect it to
Making decisions for me
Being passive-aggressive
Calling me “aggressive,” “bossy,” or other similar labels
Making assumptions about who I am rather than just getting to know me
Expecting me to shrink my strengths or personality to fit their world
Type Nine
How I might get on others' nerves as an Enneagram Nine
Hoping people will understand what I mean without me having to clearly state what I’m thinking or what boundaries are important to me
Standing up for others’ situations a bit too much or at the wrong time
Being passive-aggressive or dragging my feet when things don’t go my way
Being indecisive
Being overly eager to please
Trying to bring perspective by playing the devil’s advocate
Cutting communication instead of solving the issue
Letting people think I agree with them but acting in a way that is contrary to that
Believing it doesn’t matter if I show up or not, and then not showing up for people I care about
How Others Unintentionally Cause Tension with Me - Enneagram 9
Disregarding my input or not giving me time to speak up
Pushing me to do something, especially if I’ve already said I don’t want to
Trying to get me to engage in conflict through pestering
Taking over a situation when I’m handling it
Asking an overwhelming amount of questions at once
Never letting me finish a sentence… And then asking why I don’t speak up more
Trying to get me to join in when saying unkind things about others
Taking advantage of my “chill” demeanor
Acting like I don’t exist or don’t matter
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