Communication Styles by Enneagram Type
By Steph Barron Hall, Nine Types Co.
Communication is E V E R Y T H I N G. It’s how we express ourselves (even silence is a form of self-expression), it’s how we connect (or don’t), it’s how we build relationships and cultivate our lives. It’s everything! That’s why I’ve called this little series Life, Relationships, Communication & the Enneagram rather than just “Communication Approaches” - it’s all-encompassing!
If you’ve been following for a while, you also know that I am currently getting a masters degree in communication & leadership studies. Through my program, I’ve learned more and more the importance of communication in every little thing we do. That’s why communication has become my specialty! The Enneagram is massively helpful in illuminating some of the inter- and intra- personal communication hangups we face on a daily basis.
When I started sharing communication styles paired with Enneagram teaching, I saw my own relationships and those of friends and family TRANSFORMED.
So how about you? What do you want your friends / family / coworker / neighbor to know about you? Share this blog post with them so that they can understand themselves (and YOU!) a little better.
ENNEAGRAM ONE COMMUNICATION TIPS
· If you think I made a good decision, let me know! Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about making the right decision that I don’t choose anything. Hearing I made a good choice helps boost my confidence.
· I don’t like conflict, but I do like clarity. I’ll often choose to have hard conversations so that things feel sorted out (but I’m not trying to be argumentative).
· I see the highest potential. When I’m honest about that, it’s because I love and believe in you.
· I don’t mean to come off as judgmental - I care about you and mean well when I bring something up.
· I often don’t understand why others don’t act on the need in front of them.
· I feel deeply, but I don’t express my emotions in many situations because I want to be logical.
· I sometimes suppress my emotions when they get in the way of doing the right thing.
· Explaining the constant list running in my head can feel harder than just doing it myself.
ENNEAGRAM TWO COMMUNICATION TIPS
· I may not open up about how I’m really doing, even if I want to talk it out. Go beyond a simple, “How are you?” to get a real answer.
· Remind me it’s okay to take a break and care for myself. I know I don’t *need* your permission, but reassurance helps me remember that self-care is not selfish.
· Let me know how much you appreciate the little things I do.
· Honestly, when I’m in a good place I genuinely love to help!
· I want to cultivate an open, honest connection with you, and I hope we can share honestly and vulnerably so that we can build a deep friendship.
· I know others depend on me to be warm and caring all the time, but sometimes I have bad days! Remind me it’s okay not to fill that role sometimes.
· I often find myself initiating contact with others - I’ll feel so loved if you reach out first!
· Even if I don’t ask for it, I’m often grateful for your help (but I don’t want you to take over everything).
ENNEAGRAM THREE COMMUNICATION TIPS
· When I wear different “hats” and adapt to various environments, it doesn’t feel fake for me; it feels necessary.
· I may seem confident and self-assured, but I need reassurance just like everyone else.
· I often feel like I’m not doing enough. Let me know you see me and my efforts.
· If I share my feelings with you, be gentle. I don’t share readily, and it means a lot to me when you listen and respond with care.
· Be honest, direct, and tactful. In the words of Brené Brown: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
· The more you dream with me, the more I feel connected to you.
· When I’m not 100% transparent about how I’m really doing, it’s not because I’m trying to lie: it’s often because I either haven’t sorted it out yet OR I don’t feel safe with you yet.
· I like feedback because I want to improve, but unjust criticism is incredibly upsetting.
· I don’t always show when your words hurt me, but please remember that I’m human and I have feelings, too.
ENNEAGRAM FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS
· If you think I’m good at something, let me know! I honestly may not be aware of it.
· As a reminder for myself and others: My feelings are valid, no matter what caused them. My feelings have truth and merit in this moment.
· I sometimes need time to process before responding. I may throw out an initial reaction and then take time to really think through it and come back with a different response.
· Sometimes I don’t want to share how I’m feeling, especially if it feels too private, too deep, too complex, or too hard to explain.
· When I’m being vulnerable, don’t try to cheer me up or take my mind off of it. Just sit with me.
· I can get passionate, and it helps if you mirror my feelings or share honestly about your own. If you withdraw, it makes me feel like I’m too much and I won’t feel safe to share anymore.
· I love when you remember something I’ve shared with you before. It makes me feel like you’re listening to me and I matter to you.
· I’m not sad all the time! I love life! And I express alllll the feelings with emphasis!
ENNEAGRAM FIVE COMMUNICATION TIPS
· Being asked, “What are you thinking?” can feel like a spotlight. Questions like, “What are your thoughts on this?” feel more manageable.
· Don’t pressure me to participate! I often actually enjoy sitting on the sidelines and observing.
· Sometimes I don’t share my initial thoughts because I know I’ll want to add or edit later. Be patient as I thoroughly process.
· I genuinely want to understand your point of view and will ask questions, even if I don’t agree! I really appreciate it when others ask me the same types of questions in return.
· I have feelings (excitement, outrage, sadness, happiness, etc.) even when I don’t show them in the same way you do.
· If I express my feelings outwardly, try not to act shocked or poke fun at the fact that I “finally” showed up. That really makes me feel misunderstood, and I might not feel safe to share with you again.
· Silence does not imply agreement. I might be silent because I’m tired, frustrated, haven’t thought it through, don’t feel like I’ll be heard, or any number of other reasons.
ENNEAGRAM SIX COMMUNICATION TIPS
· When I share stressors, I’d love to process through them, but I don’t need you to fix them.
· The less I know, the more I overthink. When you ask me to make a decision, give me all the information.
· If you think I made a good decision, let me know! Sometimes I spend so much time thinking through the implications of every option that I feel stuck. Hearing I made a good choice helps boost my confidence.
· I really want the whole truth.
· Sometimes I just need what I already know to be affirmed.
· I appreciate it when you let me work through the “what if” statements swirling in my mind.
· I ask questions because I want to fully understand. I’m not intending to challenge you or compete with you.
· I might be anxious at times, but often I’m evaluating different outcomes. For me, analysis is not necessarily anxiety.
· I like predictability, routine, and consistency. I love to have fun and I can be spontaneous, but it helps when it feels more like a moment of spontaneity than a life of chaos.
ENNEAGRAM SEVEN COMMUNICATION TIPS
· If you ask me for a commitment, I might not be able to say yes right away. I’m not necessarily non-committal, I just need to think about it first. When I’m healthy, I know I need to say “no” more so that I have space to say “yes” to the things that are important to me.
· I get really excited about new ideas and interesting concepts. If you shut it down right away, it feels hurtful.
· Just because I’m not sharing my feelings with you does not mean I am emotionless! I process with a few, close people.
· My mind moves so fast that sometimes it’s hard to explain what I’m thinking. My thoughts might seem random from the outside, but they’re definitely not!
· When we’re having a conversation, I like to keep things moving! Sometimes I interrupt because I’m excited, not because I wasn’t listening.
· I can be sensitive, but I’m not going to let you see that you hurt my feelings if I don’t feel safe with you.
· Don’t dismiss my excitement for naivete.
· The best way to find my rebellious streak is to tell me what to do. 😏
ENNEAGRAM EIGHT COMMUNICATION TIPS
· Even though I don’t always show it, I feel things deeply. I am empathetic even though I don’t always show it outwardly.
· I’m straightforward, so you always know where you stand with me. You don’t need to guess how I feel. I appreciate the same in return.
· My instincts are pretty good, and I can tell if you are being manipulative or hiding something from me, and it makes me feel like I can’t trust you.
· Sometimes I don’t realize my volume has increased, especially if I’m talking about something I’m really passionate about! Don’t tell me to “calm down” - I am calm! I’m just loud sometimes.
· I know I seem tough and strong all the time, but I’m not. I’m sensitive, and I have feelings, just like anyone else.
· I don’t often depend on others, and sometimes taking on all the responsibility can feel overwhelming. If I depend on you, I trust and appreciate you.
· I have a really hard time with expectations. If you place arbitrary expectations on me or my time, I’ll probably push back.
ENNEAGRAM NINE COMMUNICATION TIPS
· If you talk over me, I’ll shut down. I’m not going to fight for my voice to be heard.
· Communication is key! It’s often important for me to talk through things, but I might not always know where to start or how to open up.
· When I share, don’t dismiss or interrupt my thoughts! I can add a lot of value to the conversation if you’re patient and I feel that I have space to speak.
· If I speak up about someone else’s perspective, I’m not trying to play the devil’s advocate, I just want you to see their side.
· My independence is important to me: sometimes I withdraw because I need to regain my footing.
· With some decisions, I’m fine with going along with the majority opinion, but don’t take this as free rein to boss me around. I don’t like to be told what to do.
· Ask me questions, but give me ample time to respond. I’m a thinker: I need time to process.
