Type Threes in Relationships

Mar 10

While there’s no such thing as a perfectly compatible type pairing based on your Enneagram type, the Enneagram can help you in your relationships. Knowing your Enneagram type can help you release assumptions, find more empathy, and work together to increase your strengths.

In this post, I’ve detailed the strengths and weaknesses of each type Three pairing, as well as short growth tips to help the pairings find connection and mutual care. If what is listed here next to your type pairing doesn’t fully resonate, that’s okay! Use this as a guide to get curious about your strengths and weaknesses in your relationship - more than anything, the Enneagram is a tool to help you develop self-awareness. It offers common language that you and your partner can use to describe yourselves more clearly.

If this topic interests you, you might also want to pick up my book, The Enneagram in Love: A Roadmap for Building and Strengthening Romantic Relationships.

Type Threes in Relationships

Charismatic | Energetic | Engaging | Driven | Adaptable

In relationships, Threes value competence and genuine care. Threes easily adapt in a given situation, yet in relationships they are seeking someone who can complement or match their intensity. When less healthy, they may become preoccupied with achievement, success, or another measure of their worth to the point that their partner feels that they have to compete for the Three’s attention (and always lose to the Three’s other interests). They are searching for a space to let their guard down, but it often takes time to find it. Threes are image-conscious and busy, yet underneath their search for worth is a deep desire to be valued for who they truly are.

Type Three & Type One

We’re task-oriented, and we impress others with how much we accomplish. We support one another’s endeavors, and when we have conflict, we both believe that staying rational is the best way to figure things out. The One admires the Three’s can-do attitude and ability to get things done while the Three appreciates the One’s responsibility and commitment.

We are so task-oriented that date nights can feel like a business meeting. The One might see the Three’s shape-shifting as shallow or manipulative, while the Three sees the One’s principled approach to life as too rigid or stifling. The Three may feel criticized, while the One may feel dismissed, and fights can end with a stubborn digging-in of heels.

Grow by: learning what true rest means for both parties and practicing it often

Type Three & Type Two

We are charming, engaging, and passionate. The Two offers acceptance, affirmation, and warmth to the Three; this type of love reminds the Three that they do not have to perform to be valuable. The Three offers the Two energy, ambition, and liveliness, which help the Two feel inspired to follow their passions and achieve their dreams. We give each other lots of attention, and we value strong interpersonal connection, social engagement, positivity, and charm. Our confidence, attractiveness, and radiant energy make us a dynamic, impactful pair.

We have a hard time acknowledging and understanding our own feelings, which can be a challenge when attempting to relate to one another. The Three can be overwhelmed by the Two’s helpfulness and desire for emotional connection, while the Two can feel forgotten due to the Three’s ambition and task-orientation. We both tend to cultivate busy lives, making it challenging to find the true, deep connection we both desire.

Grow by: Learning how to ask good questions. Draw each other out with reflective conversation to help you both get in touch with your own feelings.

Type Three & Type Three

We are charming, successful, and sociable. Together, we can do awesome things! We both prioritize efficiency, and we take pride in our work and each other. We are very supportive of one another, and we love to encourage each other. We both want to be outstanding and admired, yet beneath our desire for success is a longing to be seen as valuable and worthy for who we are. Because we feel mirrored in the relationship, we are able to see behind the mask and find a loving, caring, genuine person underneath. We bring out the best in each other and in those around us.

We want to get straight to the point, so we rarely leave time for feelings. We pack our days with busyness and long to-do lists, and relational check-ins aren’t always on our radar. We have a tendency to gravitate toward fast-paced lifestyles, which means sometimes we wear ourselves out, leading to withdrawal. This rarely happens on the same schedule, so we can find ourselves caught in opposite cycles of achievement and exhaustion. We don’t like to admit failure, and sometimes apologizing feels like we’ve failed even when we were trying really hard to be a good partner.

Grow by: Letting feelings catch up and learning to sit with emotion.

Type Three & Type Four

We are intense, communicative, and earnest. The Three brings practicality, ambition, energy, and structure to the relationship, which helps the Four silence their self-doubts and be more present in the world. The Four offers depth, introspection, and meaning, all of which help the Three slow down and look inside. We both help each other pay attention to the things that truly matter to us. We have a very balanced dynamic of meaning, sensitivity, strong-communication, and poise.

We have very different emotional temperaments, so we sometimes don’t understand each other. The Three finds the Four’s emotionality to be overwhelming or irrational, while the Four finds the Three’s lack of emotionality to be fake or apathetic. The Three feels that the Four is standing in their own way: they see the Four’s potential and can’t understand why they don’t take action. The Four finds the Three’s busyness to be futile if it doesn’t also include space for beauty, connection, and actually living their life.

Grow by: Being realistic about the expectations you have for one another & notice when tension is rooted in demanding that life adhere to your timeline (for emotional connection, chores, etc.)

Type Three & Type Five

We are competent, efficient, and inventive. We both tend to become experts in our interests, and we admire one another’s expertise. The Three brings confidence, energy, and sociability to the relationship, while the Five offers creativity, depth, and objectivity. The Three’s assertive nature combined with the Five’s thoughtfulness and penchant for thorough research makes for a dynamic and steady coupling. The Five stabilizes the Three, and the Three brings the Five out of their shell.

A common point of conflict is the speed with which we move through life. Fives tend to move at a considered pace. Their measured approach helps them conserve their energy so that they feel steady and unflustered. Threes tend to think on their feet and find questions or any encouragement to slow down as obstacles to conquer. Frustration can grow, and we end up feeling as though we’re in a tug-of-war as we pull opposite directions. Each of us can learn something from the other, but we have to give a little to get there.

Grow by: Getting in touch with your feelings in a meaningful way and talking about them together.

Type Three & Type Six

We are hardworking, resilient, and faithful. The Three loves to highlight the strengths in others, so they tend to point out the best in the Six, giving the Six the encouragement they need to pursue their passions. Meanwhile, the Six keeps the Three grounded and helps them slow down and enjoy life a bit more. The Six’s transparency and honesty can help the Three feel more comfortable to open up and find the emotional connection they’re looking for. We are both dutiful and responsible, and once we trust each other, we make a good team.

The Six values loyalty, so the Three’s shapeshifting can cause the Six to feel like they can’t trust them. The Three’s hard-driving energy can conflict with the Six’s cautious nature, which can cause the Three to feel like the Six is holding them back. The Three may get exasperated with the Six’s questions and may charge on ahead without them, stirring the Six to lose trust and move into self-protection mode. When the Six expresses a lack of trust, the Three may feel they’ve done everything they can to be trustworthy and give up. We are both in the 9-3-6 triangle, which can sometimes leave us feeling like we’re running in circles.

Grow by: Validating one another’s focus of attention and staying present in the relationship. Working through feelings is important for this pair.

Type Three & Type Seven

We are vivacious, gregarious, and adventurous. We play well off of one another’s strengths, and there’s never a dull moment! The Three helps the Seven be more aware of others’ feelings and can keep the busy Seven focused on their goals. The Three brings poise and sensitivity to the relationship. The Seven helps the Three relax and have fun: their spontaneous energy and endless knowledge keep things interesting. The Seven brings resilience and courage to the relationship.

Since we both stay busy to avoid our feelings, conflict can often go unspoken. The image-conscious Three can feel embarrassed by the Seven’s boisterous energy and tendency to say whatever is on their mind. The idealistic Seven can get frustrated with the Three’s practicality and desire for constant productivity. We can both be sensitive to feelings of loss or rejection and may “quit while we’re ahead” rather than risk abandonment.

Grow by: Learning to slow down every once in a while. Sharing feelings will deepen and expand your relationship.

Type Three & Type Eight

We are intense, influential, and lively. We are passionate and assertive, and we both go after what we want in life. We appreciate that we’ve found someone who can match our energy. The Eight offers the Three a safe space to land: because they aren’t easily swayed, the Three can be the fullest version of themselves, and the Eight will not be bulldozed by their intensity. The Three helps the Eight let go of control a little: being with a competent, responsible partner lets the Eight off the hook so they don’t feel like they have to do it all alone.

We can both be extreme in our personalities. Just as we match each other in positive ways, we can also match each other in tension and conflict. The Eight can easily see under the Three’s outer performance, and this can cause the Eight to feel they can’t trust the Three. They fear betrayal, so they will only trust those who are reliable and authentic. The Three tends to take the emotional temperature of the room and may shy away from the Eight’s anger, unsure if it’s safe or not for them to coexist.

Grow by: Learning to let go and have fun. Things don’t always have to be zipped up and controlled.

Type Three & Type Nine

We are encouraging, purposeful, and people-oriented. The Nine offers the Three space to be themselves because the Nine is not focused on the Three’s achievements. The Nine offers love and acceptance to the Three just for being. The Three offers the Nine encouragement to find their voice and follow their dreams. The Three sees the Nine’s potential and is their biggest cheerleader. We provide each other balance and reciprocity, and we both want to be at peace with one another.

Our differing energies can cause conflict. The Three may feel like the Nine is holding them back from achieving their goals, and the Nine may feel like the Three is leaving them in the dust and does not make time for the relationship. The Three can get frustrated by the Nine’s perceived inaction, while the Nine can feel rushed by the Three’s desire to move faster. When the Nine is pushed, they tend to dig in their heels and withdraw.

Grow by: Remembering that the encouragement the other offers (either to slow down or speed up) is well-intended. There may be some truth in their words.