Type Fours in Relationships

Mar 9

While there’s no such thing as a perfectly compatible type pairing based on your Enneagram type, the Enneagram can help you in your relationships. Knowing your Enneagram type can help you release assumptions, find more empathy, and work together to increase your strengths.

In this post, I’ve detailed the strengths and weaknesses of each type Four pairing, as well as short growth tips to help the pairings find connection and mutual care. If what is listed here next to your type pairing doesn’t fully resonate, that’s okay! Use this as a guide to get curious about your strengths and weaknesses in your relationship - more than anything, the Enneagram is a tool to help you develop self-awareness. It offers common language that you and your partner can use to describe yourselves more clearly.

If this topic interests you, you might also want to pick up my book, The Enneagram in Love: A Roadmap for Building and Strengthening Romantic Relationships.

Type Fours in Relationships

Deep | Introspective | Passionate | Creative | Novel

In relationships, Fours value depth and empathy. Fours long to be mirrored and deeply understood by their partner, and they spend a great deal of time thinking about their own identity and who they are in the partnership. When less aware, Fours get so caught up in their own thoughts or daydreams that they are no longer attached to reality. In this state, they may ignore their partner. Overall, Fours are passionate and expressive of their moods and creativity, and they long to be seen for who they truly are.

Type One & Type Four

We’re both idealists, and we have a vision for how the world could be. The One brings boundaries to the Four’s endless self-expression and depth, while the Four gets the One to loosen up a bit and think outside the box. We are opposites in many ways, but our energies complement each other well when we’re in sync. We can cultivate a deep, meaningful relationship.

Fours and Ones both internalize criticism and see any negative feedback as confirmation of their “fatal flaw,” which can endanger the relationship. The One can be overwhelmed by the Four and can become resentful because they feel they are the only one who is correct and acting properly. The Four can feel constantly critiqued for being different and may lash out when the One feels they are just trying to help.

Grow by: Finding the value in both ways of doing things.

Type Four & Type Two

We are connected, intimate, and empathetic. The Two sees the Four’s needs and is able to pull them out of their heads just enough that the Four can be engaged and connected in the world. The Four seeks to understand the depth of the Two’s heart, which helps the Two become more in tune with their own feelings. The Two offers a friendly, sociable energy to the relationship, while the Four brings creativity, humor, and honesty. Together, we can enjoy a deep, emotionally fulfilling relationship.

We expect a lot from one another, but we aren’t always good at communicating our expectations. The Two might expect the Four to meet all their needs and may get demanding when the Four is either unaware or passive. The Four longs to be deeply known but may be frustrated by the Two’s helpfulness and desire to “fix” displays of emotion. Because the Four is so introspective, they may not realize the Two needs attention. Because the Two is so image-conscious, they may not realize that their charm is alienating the Four.

Grow by: Affirming one another and being attentive to each other’s emotional needs without being absorbed in them.

Type Four & Type Three

We are intense, communicative, and earnest. The Three brings practicality, ambition, energy, and structure to the relationship, which helps the Four silence their self-doubts and be more present in the world. The Four offers depth, introspection, and meaning, all of which help the Three slow down and look inside. We both help each other pay attention to the things that truly matter to us. We have a very balanced dynamic of meaning, sensitivity, strong-communication, and poise.

We have very different emotional temperaments, so we sometimes don’t understand each other. The Three finds the Four’s emotionality to be overwhelming or irrational, while the Four finds the Three’s lack of emotionality to be fake or apathetic. The Three feels that the Four is standing in their own way: they see the Four’s potential and can’t understand why they don’t take action. The Four finds the Three’s busyness to be futile if it doesn’t also include space for beauty, connection, and actually living their life.

Grow by: Being realistic about the expectations you have for one another & notice when tension is rooted in demanding that life adheres to your timeline (for emotional connection, chores, etc.)

Type Four & Type Four

We are deep, idealistic, emotional, and empathetic. We both tend to feel misunderstood by others, but we feel deeply understood by one another. It helps to be with someone who shares the same longing for meaning, beauty, and understanding in the world. We see the way things could be perfect, and we mourn what is missing. We can talk for hours about our deepest thoughts and fears, our childhood, our dreams, and our disappointments, and we are able to articulate our feelings in an eloquent, meaningful way. We love the passion, self-expression, and thoughtfulness we each bring to the relationship.

We are both reactive in conflict and can say things we don’t mean. We are both sensitive to any falsehood in the other, and the constant demand for authenticity can be exhausting for both of us. When one of us feels misunderstood, it feels like a significant break in our trust. We are both highly sensitive to rejection, and we experience criticism as confirmation that we are fatally flawed.

Grow by: Practicing gratitude every day and finding ways to stay active together.

Type Five & Type Four

We are complex, imaginative, and curious. We can have long conversations about obscure topics we’re interested in, and because we both have an investigative nature, we enjoy diving deep into new subjects. The Four’s emotionality and ability to describe nuances of emotion can help the Five become more comfortable with self-expression. Fives can find a way to be both well-reasoned and emotionally present. The Five offers the Four rational, objective wisdom, and helps the Four think through their ideas. The Five’s steadiness helps the expressive Four avoid getting swept away.

We both live inside our heads, which means the practical details of life can slip through our fingers unnoticed. We have to make an effort to get grounded in reality to take care of ourselves and one another. The Four can find the Five’s objectivity and detachment frustrating because they don’t feel that the Five is present with them in their struggles. The Five can be overwhelmed by the Four’s self-expression since Fives tend to carefully, methodically consider their words.

Grow by: Appreciating the balance you bring to each other & respecting each other’s needs.

Type Four & Type Six

We are expressive, sensitive, and affectionate. We both tend to react emotionally to one another and the world around us, which actually helps us deeply understand and care for one another. We can be really similar, and that’s comforting. The Four brings compassion, self-awareness, and emotionality, while the Six brings loyalty, practicality, and perseverance. We can both find the depth we want in the relationship because the Four always wants to go deeper, and the Six is committed to sticking together.

No one likes to hear that they lack common sense or practicality, and this is especially true for Fours, who have spent their lives hearing they are “too much.” When the Six insists on being practical or calls attention to the Four’s tendency to be driven by their passions, the Four can feel deeply wounded. The Six’s desire for predictability and steadiness can be challenging to the relationship since Fours tend to reject being boxed in, limited, and told how to navigate their life. The Four’s pursuit of authenticity doesn’t always fall in line with the Six’s need for consistency.

Grow by: asking yourself when in conflict: “Do I need to express this right now? Will this be helpful?”

Type Four & Type Seven

We are idealistic, expressive, colorful, and curious. We are opposite in many ways, but we both tend to think outside the box, and we appreciate all the excitement the other brings to the relationship. The Seven helps the Four see all the wonderful, positive things in their life, and they bolster the Four’s confidence. The Four helps the Seven stay grounded and creates a safe space for the Seven to experience emotions. We are constantly intrigued and fascinated by one another - our relationship is never dry or stagnant.

We are very different in our reactions to conflict and emotion. The Four can feel left behind by the Seven’s constant chasing of opportunity. They may feel that the Seven doesn’t care if the Seven doesn’t take time to respect the Four’s feelings or ask them what they think. The Seven can feel stifled by the Four’s need for emotional connection. They may feel that the Four is a killjoy who just wants to keep them down. We can both be over-the-top in our expression of our opposite needs.

Grow by: Being okay when things don’t work out as planned. Stay present to disappointment rather than escaping (7) or internalizing (4).

Type Four & Type Eight

We are authentic, passionate, and intense. We both bring keen intuition to the relationship, and we tend to understand and act on our gut reactions. We both appreciate that the other can match our intensity. The Four brings sensitivity and emotional vulnerability to the relationship, which the Eight knows they need. The Eight offers a sense of practicality, strength, and protection, which the Four craves. There is a magnetic pull between us, and we are on a quest to understand (or conquer) the mystery of one another.

We are both reactive in conflict, so disagreements can easily get explosive. Neither of us likes to be controlled, and we each have a visceral reaction to feeling misunderstood, especially when the other person assumes how we’re feeling. Because we are reactionary and like excitement, we can get into a cycle of fighting and making up - it keeps things interesting, but it’s not always healthy. The Eight’s power can be overwhelming for the Four, who tends to be more of an internal processor, while the Four’s withdrawing nature can frustrate the Eight who wants to be on equal footing with their sparring partner.

Grow by: Remembering that we both often feel deeply misunderstood. Start with compassion for misunderstanding before reacting.

Type Four & Type Nine

We are empathetic, sensitive, and kind. We both want depth in our relationship, but we also value our independence. The Four brings an acute emotional awareness that encourages the Nine to voice their own emotional experiences. The Nine is nonjudgmental & offers the Four a sense of acceptance that can help the Four move toward self-love rather than self-doubt. The Nine is more pragmatic and helps the Four keep their feet on the ground, while the Four is more energetic and helps the Nine to get out and experience the world.

We are opposite in our stress responses, which can make working through conflict challenging. The Nine disengages with the conflict, preferring instead to stay positive in an attempt to keep the peace. In turn, the Four feels that the Nine isn’t present or willing to work through things. The Four is emotionally reactive in conflict, believing that the conflict will be worked out if they express their real feelings. This can overwhelm the Nine, who is unsettled by the display of emotion. We both may let things go unsaid in our relationship.

Grow by: Learning to use your words with one another in a thoughtful, kind, and meaningful way. If it’s hard to say them, start by writing them down.