Type Fives in Relationships

Mar 8

While there’s no such thing as a perfectly compatible type pairing based on your Enneagram type, the Enneagram can help you in your relationships. Knowing your Enneagram type can help you release assumptions, find more empathy, and work together to increase your strengths.

In this post, I’ve detailed the strengths and weaknesses of each type Five pairing, as well as short growth tips to help the pairings find connection and mutual care. If what is listed here next to your type pairing doesn’t fully resonate, that’s okay! Use this as a guide to get curious about your strengths and weaknesses in your relationship - more than anything, the Enneagram is a tool to help you develop self-awareness. It offers common language that you and your partner can use to describe yourselves more clearly.

If this topic interests you, you might also want to pick up my book, The Enneagram in Love: A Roadmap for Building and Strengthening Romantic Relationships.

Type Fives in Relationships

Curious | Self-Reliant | Kind | Steady | Accepting

In relationships, Fives value independence and intentionality. Fives approach relationships slowly but with great curiosity. It’s important for Fives that they have space without demands, so they take their time learning to trust others, especially in intimate settings. When less healthy, Fives can become withdrawn and arrogant, believing they are the most competent and capable person in the room. Overall, Fives are kind and generous with their partners, and they appreciate a person who also has an independent streak.

Type Five & Type One

We pay attention to the details others might miss. We are thoughtful and work hard to know and understand each other well. The One appreciates the Five’s depth, competence, and thoughtfulness. The Five appreciates the One’s high standards and steadiness. We are both independent and value boundaries, so we tend not to overwhelm one another. Together, we are stable and dependable.

Ones believe in objectivity: once they find the truth, they hold fast to their convictions. Fives, on the other hand, are open to the evolution of their ideas as they learn more information. This difference can cause the Five to grow frustrated with the One’s rigidity and cause the One to feel like the Five is unpredictable. At times, the One’s help and advice can feel like criticism to the Five who is sensitive to being critiqued. The Five’s silence and withdrawal may cause the One to feel insecure about the relationship.

Grow By: Validating and appreciating differing perspectives. Remind one another you are there for each other.

Type Five & Type Two

We are opposites in many ways, but this only intensifies our attraction to one another. The Two brings warmth, comfort, and ease to the relationship and helps the Five feel their feelings so that they can be more grounded in the present. The Five is committed and trustworthy, which is comforting for the Two who constantly feels they need to earn love. Fives remember the smallest details about their partner, which helps the Two feel considered and important. Together, we are full of wisdom, generosity, loyalty, nurturance, and competence. We find each other to be deeply mysterious, and we are on a lifelong journey to know more.

We are also opposite in our responses to stress and conflict. The Two is emotional and expressive, while the Five is calm and rational. This difference leaves the Two feeling like the Five is not engaged in the discussion while the Five feels overwhelmed by the Two. The Five’s detachment can cause the Two to feel abandoned and rejected. The Two’s desire to help can feel intrusive to the Five. We are alike in that we are both sensitive to feeling unwanted or misunderstood, so it’s important that we work through our differences.

Grow by: Realizing that your needs are not at odds with the needs of your partner.

Type Five & Type Three

We are competent, efficient, and inventive. We both tend to become experts in our interests, and we admire one another’s expertise. The Three brings confidence, energy, and sociability to the relationship, while the Five offers creativity, depth, and objectivity. The Three’s assertive nature combined with the Five’s thoughtfulness and penchant for thorough research makes for a dynamic and steady coupling. The Five stabilizes the Three, and the Three brings the Five out of their shell.

A common point of conflict is the speed with which we move through life. Fives tend to move at a considered pace. Their measured approach helps them conserve their energy so that they feel steady and unflustered. Threes tend to think on their feet and find questions or any encouragement to slow down as obstacles to conquer. Frustration can grow, and we end up feeling as though we’re in a tug-of-war as we pull opposite directions. Each of us can learn something from the other, but we have to give a little to get there.

Grow by: Getting in touch with your feelings in a meaningful way and talking about them together.

Type Five & Type Four

We are complex, imaginative, and curious. We can have long conversations about obscure topics we’re interested in, and because we both have an investigative nature, we enjoy diving deep into new subjects. The Four’s emotionality and ability to describe nuances of emotion can help the Five become more comfortable with self-expression. Fives can find a way to be both well-reasoned and emotionally present. The Five offers the Four rational, objective wisdom, and helps the Four think through their ideas. The Five’s steadiness helps the expressive Four avoid getting swept away.

We both live inside our heads, which means the practical details of life can slip through our fingers unnoticed. We have to make an effort to get grounded in reality to take care of ourselves and one another. The Four can find the Five’s objectivity and detachment frustrating because they don’t feel that the Five is present with them in their struggles. The Five can be overwhelmed by the Four’s self-expression since Fives tend to carefully, methodically consider their words.

Grow by: Appreciating the balance you bring to each other & respecting each other’s needs.

Type Five & Type Five

We are objective, wise, and intellectual. We enjoy thought-provoking conversations and deep analytical discussions. We share the same love of knowledge, and we enjoy thinking and talking about our obscure interests. We tend to give one another plenty of space since neither of us likes intrusive or overwhelming demands. We are both intensely private, and we hold our thoughts and feelings with great care. We tend to speak in paragraph form, and we have fully thought through what we will say before we say it. We share the same sardonic wit, but you have to listen closely to hear our pithy remarks.

We both withdraw when things get challenging. Because we both love our privacy so much, we can get complacent when it comes to reaching out to each other. We are comfortable living inside our heads, so it doesn’t always occur to us to extend an invitation for connection to the other. We deal with conflict in a calm, objective, rational way, but compartmentalizing so much means that we sometimes forget to deal with others on a human level. We may see each other as puzzles to figure out rather than human beings.

Grow by: Remembering to reach out to one another. It’s okay to exert some social and emotional energy: it can be invigorating to find human connection.

Type Five & Type Six

We are steady, capable, and trustworthy. We have similar worries and fears, but our different approaches bring balance and stability. The Six is stabilized by the Five’s steadiness because they can trust their careful research, their cautious approach, and their willingness to think through difficult things. The Six’s thoughtfulness, loyalty, and attentiveness all help the Five stay more connected and less isolated. We have a deep comfort in our relationship that allows us to fully be ourselves without fear that we will be overwhelmed.

Moving forward with a decision can be a challenge for us. The Six’s tendency to trust existing rules and procedures can be frustrating for the Five who trusts their own intellect more than they trust others. The Six can get frustrated with the Five’s out-of-the-box thinking, and tension may grow as we come to very different conclusions after pondering the same situation. We usually embrace our analytical approaches to life, but when we find ourselves at odds, we might start to pick apart the relationship rather than focusing on the issue at hand.

Grow by: Finding something you both enjoy and like to learn about and dedicating time to it weekly.

Type Five & Type Seven

We are whimsical, quick-minded, and provocative. We both enjoy off-the-wall ideas, and we each have a rebellious streak. The Seven helps the Five get out of their head and enjoy life. The Seven’s quickness and spontaneity bring a fresh, new perspective that is worth learning about. The Five helps the Seven be more grounded and serious about their pursuits. The Five’s thorough observations and keen awareness of the world can offer the Seven something to get excited about. Together, we love to investigate, learn, and dive deep into our hobbies.

We are opposite in stress. The Seven runs headlong into the future, and they demand much from life. On the other hand, the Five is oriented to the past and attempts to be as self-reliant and undemanding as possible. We both want to meet our own needs, but the Seven does so by experiencing and chasing MORE while the Five does so by decreasing their own needs so they effectively need LESS. These differences can be mystifying for us and lead to great misunderstanding.

Grow by: Planning dates that incorporate both of your strengths: intrigue & knowledge.

Type Five & Type Eight

We are autonomous, self-assured, and loyal. We share the same independent streak, but we each find something we need in the other. We both tend to feel misunderstood in the world, but we feel understood by each other. The Eight helps the Five become more in tune with their own power, their intuition, and their practical needs. The Five helps the Eight become more aware of their impact on others and the importance of slowing down every now and then. We enjoy a good debate, and we can have deep, thought-provoking conversations.

We both seek to silo ourselves in different ways. The Eight desires to be entirely self-reliant and often does so by attaining physical and material resources such that they do not need to depend on the other. The Five takes pride in needing nothing from others and becomes self-reliant by needing or wanting less. We both become self-reliant individuals who refuse to admit that we need or want anything from one another, which can drive a wedge between us.

Grow by: Learning to admit your own needs. You can find the deep, emotional connection you crave if you share your vulnerability with one another.

Type Five & Type Nine

We are patient, thoughtful, and accepting. We both enjoy autonomy and can get easily overwhelmed by the demands of the world. The Nine invites the Five to be more relaxed and at ease, which is significant because the Five often feels like they can’t be comfortable in the world. When directed at the Nine, the Five’s curiosity draws the Nine out and helps them put words to their thoughts and ideas. This invites the Nine to be more self-aware and more connected. We can both find the comfort we crave in the calm, somewhat detached steadiness we both bring to the relationship.

We both withdraw when things get challenging. The typically easy-going Nine can get passive-aggressive and quite stubborn in conflict. The Five attempts to stay rational and objective, which causes the Nine to feel even more distanced. We both need time and space to process our thoughts and feelings before verbalizing them, which can cause conflict to simmer for days before being fully addressed. We may cope with the conflict in our own separate ways and never return to fully discuss it.

Grow by: Finding ways to stay grounded and present, especially when things get tough. Try writing down your thoughts or doing something you enjoy together.