Type Nines in Relationships

Mar 1

While there’s no such thing as a perfectly compatible type pairing based on your Enneagram type, the Enneagram can help you in your relationships. Knowing your Enneagram type can help you release assumptions, find more empathy, and work together to increase your strengths.

In this post, I’ve detailed the strengths and weaknesses of each type Nine pairing, as well as short growth tips to help the pairings find connection and mutual care. If what is listed here next to your type pairing doesn’t fully resonate, that’s okay! Use this as a guide to get curious about your strengths and weaknesses in your relationship - more than anything, the Enneagram is a tool to help you develop self-awareness. It offers common language that you and your partner can use to describe yourselves more clearly.

If this topic interests you, you might also want to pick up my book, The Enneagram in Love: A Roadmap for Building and Strengthening Romantic Relationships.

Type Nines in Relationships

Accepting | Soothing | Supportive | Pleasant | Balanced

In relationships, Nines value comfort and harmony. Nines extend acceptance to others, which creates a safe, loving space for the relationship to thrive. It’s important to Nines that others are also just, fair, and open to different perspectives. When less aware, Nines can merge so strongly with their partner that they no longer know who they truly are. Beneath the merging is a desire to be loved and cared for in a way that supports their peace and creates true, deep, connected love.

Type Nine & Type One

We are self-sacrificial, harmonious, and principled. The One’s task orientation and sense of duty help the Nine create the peace that they desire. The Nine’s comfort-seeking and acceptance offer the One space to be more self-accepting and self-forgiving. The Nine reminds the One to choose people over principle, and the One helps the Nine find their voice. We are ethical and considerate, and we are propelled by a deep sense of purpose.

Because the One is concerned with suppressing anger to be appropriate and the Nine is concerned with repressing anger to keep the peace, both of us can carry significant pent-up angry energy. At times, this can be explosive, but often, anger leaks out as stubbornness, resentment, and silence. The Nine may acquiesce outwardly but inwardly feel dismissed, while the One grows increasingly set in their convictions, unwilling to bend.

Grow by: Finding healthy ways to deal with conflict and clear the air; Affirming one another and the relationship during tension.

Type Nine & Type Two

We are warm, loving, and serene. We have a comfortable and reciprocal relationship full of encouragement and acceptance. The Nine is accepting and not demanding, which allows the Two freedom to not be helpful. Twos tend to be invested in understanding others as a way to show love, and this curiosity can help the Nine be more in tune with and expressive of their desires. Nines tend to be accepting and loving, which helps the Two feel secure in the relationship because they can feel loved without having to work for it.

At times, the Two’s helpful energy can be too much for the Nine, who can be overwhelmed by the emotionality expected in the relationship. Twos are more action-oriented, so the Nine’s relaxed way of moving through life can cause frustration. We both want to look on the bright side in conflict, which can lead to intense conflict avoidance, as we both simmer below the surface. When upset, the Nine may become passive and distant while the Two becomes resentful and indignant.

Grow by: Learning to acknowledge and resolve conflict as it comes up. Remind each other that true peace is cultivated when conflict is addressed in a healthy way.

Type Nine & Type Three

We are encouraging, purposeful, and people-oriented. The Nine offers the Three space to be themselves because the Nine is not focused on the Three’s achievements. The Nine offers love and acceptance to the Three just for being. The Three offers the Nine encouragement to find their voice and follow their dreams. The Three sees the Nine’s potential and is their biggest cheerleader. We provide each other balance and reciprocity, and we both want to be at peace with one another.

Our differing energies can cause conflict. The Three may feel like the Nine is holding them back from achieving their goals, and the Nine may feel like the Three is leaving them in the dust and does not make time for the relationship. The Three can get frustrated by the Nine’s perceived inaction, while the Nine can feel rushed by the Three’s desire to move faster. When the Nine is pushed, they tend to dig in their heels and withdraw.

Grow by: Remembering that the encouragement the other offers (either to slow down or speed up) is well-intended. There may be some truth in their words.

Type Nine & Type Four

We are empathetic, sensitive, and kind. We both want depth in our relationship, but we also value our independence. The Four brings an acute emotional awareness that encourages the Nine to voice their own emotional experiences. The Nine is nonjudgmental & offers the Four a sense of acceptance that can help the Four move toward self-love rather than self-doubt. The Nine is more pragmatic and helps the Four keep their feet on the ground, while the Four is more energetic and helps the Nine to get out and experience the world.

We are opposite in our stress responses, which can make working through conflict challenging. The Nine disengages with the conflict, preferring instead to stay positive in an attempt to keep the peace. In turn, the Four feels that the Nine isn’t present or willing to work through things. The Four is emotionally reactive in conflict, believing that the conflict will be worked out if they express their real feelings. This can overwhelm the Nine, who is unsettled by the display of emotion. We both may let things go unsaid in our relationship.

Grow by: Learning to use your words with one another in a thoughtful, kind, and meaningful way. If it’s hard to say them, start by writing them down.

Type Nine & Type Five

We are patient, thoughtful, and accepting. We both enjoy autonomy and can get easily overwhelmed by the demands of the world. The Nine invites the Five to be more relaxed and at ease, which is significant because the Five often feels like they can’t be comfortable in the world. When directed at the Nine, the Five’s curiosity draws the Nine out and helps them put words to their thoughts and ideas. This invites the Nine to be more self-aware and more connected. We can both find the comfort we crave in the calm, somewhat detached steadiness we both bring to the relationship.

We both withdraw when things get challenging. The typically easy-going Nine can get passive-aggressive and quite stubborn in conflict. The Five attempts to stay rational and objective, which causes the Nine to feel even more distanced. We both need time and space to process our thoughts and feelings before verbalizing them, which can cause conflict to simmer for days before being fully addressed. We may cope with the conflict in our own separate ways and never return to fully discuss it.

Grow by: Finding ways to stay grounded and present, especially when things get tough. Try writing down your thoughts or doing something you enjoy together.

Type Nine & Type Six

We both desire stability, comfort, and love, and we find that in each other. The Nine can offer the Six a sense of predictability because Nines tend to be steady overall. Their calm demeanor can be stabilizing for the Six, who may be more skeptical and alert to issues overall. The Six’s tendency to be more quick-minded and action-oriented can help the Nine be a more active force in their own life. Mutual devotion, loyalty, and shared values are important to us. We can cultivate a deep friendship marked by unity, affection, support, and healthy interdependence.

In moments of stress, the Six’s questioning can feel accusatory to the Nine, while the Nine’s withdrawal can feel like abandonment to the Six. In general, Sixes can be reactive in conflict, which can leave the Nine tip-toeing to avoid setting the Six off. Meanwhile, the Nine’s reluctance to share their thoughts, express themselves, or deal with conflict can leave the Six feeling like the Nine is not being fully transparent, which can leave the Six suspicious of their motives and doubtful of their connection.

Grow by: Figuring out what you really want in life. Support each other in voicing your wants and needs.

Type Nine & Type Seven

We are carefree, flexible, and optimistic. We both like to look on the bright side, and our differences bring balance to our relationship. The Seven brings a fun, assertive self-confidence that helps the Nine break out of their shell and try new things. While the Nine tends to appreciate the status quo, the Seven loves to spice things up and keep things interesting. The Nine brings a calming steadiness and a personal touch to the relationship, which helps the Seven become more centered and present.

We can both get frustrated and stubborn when things aren’t going well, especially if we don’t take the time to work through issues as they come up. The Seven is more likely to be the first to surface conflict since they don’t want to be trapped in unpleasantness. If the Seven tries to move past it too quickly, the Nine can feel trampled when they’re expected to move on without fully processing it. The Nine’s tendency to avoid conflict might mean that the Seven is unaware that something is going wrong until it’s almost too late, which can hurt the deeply loyal Seven, who would have preferred to work through it sooner.

Grow by: Learning to work through conflict together. After a tough conversation, reward yourselves with something fun! Remind each other regularly that conflict will not jeopardize the relationship.

Type Nine & Type Eight

We are devoted, earnest, and dynamic. We are both justice-oriented, and we value fairness, respect, and trust in our relationship. The Eight is always pushing ahead, but the Nine helps the Eight learn when to pull back and how to relax. The Eight helps the Nine find their voice, see their value, and assert themselves, which can be difficult for the Nine. We are both autonomous, but we enjoy the connection, companionship, and safe space we offer to one another.

We are opposite in our responses to conflict. As things get difficult, the Nine withdraws further, becoming disengaged and distant. The frustration is evident in passive-aggression, which angers the Eight who would prefer to confront the issue head-on. The Eight pushes harder when things get difficult, and they want the Nine to stand their ground and fight it out. When the Nine is passive-aggressive, the Eight finds it dishonest and may lose trust or fear betrayal. The Nine can easily feel overwhelmed by the Eight’s intensity.

Grow by: Planning something fun together at least once a month!

Type Nine & Type Nine

We are harmonious, connected, and serene. We have a beautiful, balanced companionship. We offer each other constant acceptance and encouragement, and we create a safe space for one another. Since we both like predictability, we set a routine that works for us and stick to it. The consistency is so warm and comforting for both of us. We are patient with one another and like to draw each other out without being intrusive. We can be silly and fun, and we take the challenges of life in stride. We both really love our relationship, our connection, and the life we’ve built together.

We don’t typically know our own opinions or emotions on the spot. It takes a while for us to process things, which can be challenging, especially when we really need to delve into deep or dark emotions. Because we like to stay positive, conflict can feel scary and may not feel worth it for us. When things aren’t going well, we both withdraw and disengage. We ignore each other’s withdrawing behavior because we don’t want to go into the conflict. We can both be passive about doing the things that need to be done, and neither of us tends to take initiative until we learn to balance the give-and-take.

Grow by: Remembering that true peace often requires good communication and even conflict. Be patient with yourselves as you learn to work through conflict together.