Type Eights in Relationships

Mar 2

While there’s no such thing as a perfectly compatible type pairing based on your Enneagram type, the Enneagram can help you in your relationships. Knowing your Enneagram type can help you release assumptions, find more empathy, and work together to increase your strengths.

In this post, I’ve detailed the strengths and weaknesses of each type Eight pairing, as well as short growth tips to help the pairings find connection and mutual care. If what is listed here next to your type pairing doesn’t fully resonate, that’s okay! Use this as a guide to get curious about your strengths and weaknesses in your relationship - more than anything, the Enneagram is a tool to help you develop self-awareness. It offers common language that you and your partner can use to describe yourselves more clearly.

If this topic interests you, you might also want to pick up my book, The Enneagram in Love: A Roadmap for Building and Strengthening Romantic Relationships.

Type Eights in Relationships

Dynamic | Authentic | Purposeful | Daring | Invested

In relationships, Eights value authenticity and passion. Eights do everything in life with gusto; this intensity sometimes acts as a shield for their softer side, but it can also originate in the idea that anything worth doing is worth doing to the fullest. A relationship with an Eight offers mutual trust, respect, and protection. When less aware, Eights can struggle to show anything other than their tough exterior, and they may speak declaratively rather than communicating as equals. Eights are tenderhearted and deeply loving in relationships, but very few people get to see that side of them.

Type Eight & Type One

We are justice-oriented, fair, and truthful. We stand firm in our convictions, and we both take responsibility to right the wrongs in the world around us. The One offers a detailed, methodical approach to the relationship and life, while the Eight can see the big picture. The One is trustworthy, and the Eight is deeply loyal and protective over the One and the relationship. We are intentional in the way we cultivate a deep love for one another.

Our differing energies can cause tension. While the One prioritizes self-control, carefully chosen words, and appropriate responses, the Eight believes in showing up fully with all their anger, honesty, and directness. The One can get frustrated with the Eight’s impropriety, and the Eight feels that the One is trying to control them. Because both value control, any conflict can devolve into a battle of wills.

Grow by: Reminding one another you are on the same team.

Type Eight & Type Two

We are both caring and passionate people. We are drawn to each other because we each see something in the other that we need. The Eight is drawn to the Two’s gentleness both because they want to protect it and because they know they need it in their lives. The Two is drawn to the Eight’s power and tenacity out of admiration and necessity. The Two softens the Eight’s edges, and the Eight helps the Two set healthy boundaries and say no. We see something of ourselves in one another, and we are able to bring out the best in each other.

Differing concepts of independence can get us into trouble. The Eight enjoys autonomy and is guarded and self-reliant. The Eight can easily feel overwhelmed or smothered by the Two’s need for affirmation or constant affection. The Two is conscientious and considerate. The Eight’s independent streak feels unloving because the Two would rarely go off and do their own thing without considering their partner (unless there was something wrong). When unhealthy, we can both get demanding about our own needs.

Grow by: Embracing the safety and security you provide for one another.

Type Eight & Type Three

We are intense, influential, and lively. We are passionate and assertive, and we both go after what we want in life. We appreciate that we’ve found someone who can match our energy. The Eight offers the Three a safe space to land: because they aren’t easily swayed, the Three can be the fullest version of themselves, and the Eight will not be bulldozed by their intensity. The Three helps the Eight let go of control a little: being with a competent, responsible partner lets the Eight off the hook so they don’t feel like they have to do it all alone.

We can both be extreme in our personalities. Just as we match each other in positive ways, we can also match each other in tension and conflict. The Eight can easily see under the Three’s outer performance, and this can cause the Eight to feel they can’t trust the Three. They fear betrayal, so they will only trust those who are reliable and authentic. The Three tends to take the emotional temperature of the room and may shy away from the Eight’s anger, unsure if it’s safe or not for them to coexist.

Grow by: Learning to let go and have fun. Things don’t always have to be zipped up and controlled.

Type Eight & Type Four

We are authentic, passionate, and intense. We both bring keen intuition to the relationship, and we tend to understand and act on our gut reactions. We both appreciate that the other can match our intensity. The Four brings sensitivity and emotional vulnerability to the relationship, which the Eight knows they need. The Eight offers a sense of practicality, strength, and protection, which the Four craves. There is a magnetic pull between us, and we are on a quest to understand (or conquer) the mystery of one another.

We are both reactive in conflict, so disagreements can easily get explosive. Neither of us likes to be controlled, and we each have a visceral reaction to feeling misunderstood, especially when the other person assumes how we’re feeling. Because we are reactionary and like excitement, we can get into a cycle of fighting and making up - it keeps things interesting, but it’s not always healthy. The Eight’s power can be overwhelming for the Four, who tends to be more of an internal processor, while the Four’s withdrawing nature can frustrate the Eight who wants to be on equal footing with their sparring partner.

Grow by: Remembering that we both often feel deeply misunderstood. Start with compassion for misunderstanding before reacting.

Type Eight & Type Five

We are autonomous, self-assured, and loyal. We share the same independent streak, but we each find something we need in the other. We both tend to feel misunderstood in the world, but we feel understood by each other. The Eight helps the Five become more in tune with their own power, their intuition, and their practical needs. The Five helps the Eight become more aware of their impact on others and the importance of slowing down every now and then. We enjoy a good debate, and we can have deep, thought-provoking conversations.

We both seek to silo ourselves in different ways. The Eight desires to be entirely self-reliant and often does so by attaining physical and material resources such that they do not need to depend on the other. The Five takes pride in needing nothing from others and becomes self-reliant by needing or wanting less. We both become self-reliant individuals who refuse to admit that we need or want anything from one another, which can drive a wedge between us.

Grow by: Learning to admit your own needs. You can find the deep, emotional connection you crave if you share your vulnerability with one another.

Type Eight & Type Six

We are both deeply loyal. We both tend to be direct in communication, and we like to get everything out on the table. This offers a deep sense of security since we don’t have to wonder what the other is thinking. Because Sixes crave safety, the Eight’s clarity, decisiveness, and transparency open the door for building trust, and the Eight’s protective nature can be comforting for the Six. The Six’s warmth and kindness can help the Eight feel embraced and cared for, and we both enjoy having a partner that is dependable. We complement each other well.

We are both reactive in conflict, and when we don’t feel we can trust each other, we avoid showing all our cards. The Six might find the Eight’s bullish approach to life off-putting or destabilizing and may revert to self-protection. The Eight might see the Six’s questioning, concerns, or alertness as a lack of trust (at which point, the Eight might throw in the towel, especially if they feel they’ve done everything they can to garner trust). Both may attempt to control the situation, which can cause further division. If the Six is counterphobic, conflicts can become explosive since neither party will back down easily.

Grow by: Reminding one another you’re in this together. Offer one another reassurance that you’re looking for safety, not control.

Type Eight & Type Seven

We are dynamic, intense, and captivating. We are both assertive, and we staunchly resist being told what to do. The Eight helps the Seven stay rooted in reality, attentive to practical matters, and focused on what actually matters for them. The Eight may challenge the Seven to think about what they really want. The Seven helps the Eight lighten up and have fun. The Seven encourages the Eight to loosen their grip on control and live a little.

We both get frustrated when things aren’t going our way, and neither of us wants to be controlled. The Eight may see the Seven’s cheerful disposition as lacking authenticity. When others aren’t authentic, the Eight may feel self-protective to avoid betrayal. The Seven can see the Eight’s assertive nature as controlling and will do anything to avoid being stuck. We are both strong-willed, so our relationship can devolve into a battle for autonomy.

Grow by: Being present with emotions. Slow down long enough to notice your own reactions and ask yourselves if they are truly helpful for you.

Type Eight & Type Eight

We are passionate, compelling, energetic, and protective. While we both are strong-willed and powerful, we actually create a safe space for one another to relax and be more at ease. What you see is what you get, and we both love that we can trust one another. Our straightforwardness is comforting for both of us and allows us to open up, show vulnerability, and engage in a softer approach than we would with others. We love that we respect and challenge one another, and we are happy to have found a partner who can match our intensity. We have great discussions and a colorful, dynamic life.

We are similar in our reactivity, especially in conflict. When trust is lost, it’s extremely difficult to get back. Neither wants to be controlled by the other, and we are both very sensitive to feeling like the other is attempting to take control. If we fear being controlled, we will shut down and withdraw from the relationship. While we tend to be contrarian, we can both get exhausted if we feel everything we say is challenged. We have to work hard to be thoughtful in our dynamic communication.

Grow by: Genuinely affirming one another. Because you’re always so real, you will both know you mean it when you say something kind.

Type Eight & Type Nine

We are devoted, earnest, and dynamic. We are both justice-oriented, and we value fairness, respect, and trust in our relationship. The Eight is always pushing ahead, but the Nine helps the Eight learn when to pull back and how to relax. The Eight helps the Nine find their voice, see their value, and assert themselves, which can be difficult for the Nine. We are both autonomous, but we enjoy the connection, companionship, and safe space we offer to one another.

We are opposite in our responses to conflict. As things get difficult, the Nine withdraws further, becoming disengaged and distant. The frustration is evident in passive-aggression, which angers the Eight who would prefer to confront the issue head-on. The Eight pushes harder when things get difficult, and they want the Nine to stand their ground and fight it out. When the Nine is passive-aggressive, the Eight finds it dishonest and may lose trust or fear betrayal. The Nine can easily feel overwhelmed by the Eight’s intensity.

Grow by: Planning something fun together at least once a month!