I Don't Do Resolutions (Here's What I Do Instead)

It's that time of year: the time when we think about resolutions. A few years ago, you would have found me building a spreadsheet to track my goals or penning post it notes to stick on my mirror, but not this year. The past few years, I've moved away from the “new year, new you” messaging I held for so long. Don't get me wrong, I love the invitation to a new beginning that the new year brings…. but sometimes life is tough. And that's been more true in 2020 than ever.

To be honest, 2019 also brought a great deal of change in my personal and professional life: almost everything in my life changed between July 2019 and July 2020 with a few exceptions, so it's safe to say it's been an interesting few years for me in terms of expectations and resolutions.

As an Enneagram 3, lofty goals feel easy to set, and I often meet them, but after years of accomplishing these things that I thought would fulfill me, I found that the satisfaction I was looking for was still out of reach. Have you ever felt that way? It's not fun, but it's also very enlightening. Sometimes sadness and disappointment can teach us things we didn't expect. So I allowed that sadness to be my teacher, and I began to look inward. 

I can't put my finger on exactly what shifted, but I can say that this process of looking inside has transformed my perspective on the “new year, new you” mentality I once held tightly to. I don't set resolutions anymore. Instead, I journal.

If you've been around here for any length of time, you probably know that I am a huge proponent of journaling, yet it's not my favorite activity. I find journal prompts to be helpful, and if you're new to journaling, set a timer! Make it approachable by setting a 5 or 10 minute timer. You don't have to journal forever to get something out of it.

My Three Step Journaling Exercise for the New Year

STEP ONE: What do you need to grieve from this past year? For some of us, this is an easy question to answer. For many of us, however, it's really challenging to acknowledge our need to grieve and make space for it. We tell ourselves that the sense of loss we feel isn't that bad. But I believe that in 2020, we all have experienced loss. Whether it's been the loss of a business, loss of a loved one, loss of a long-anticipated graduation celebration, loss of a sense of security around our health, loss of pride, and so many more losses, big and small. Write them all down. Whatever you're feeling in this moment is valid - if it feels cathartic to destroy this page of your journal, do so. (Personally, I'm a big fan of throwing it in my fireplace, but a shredder works too!) The point here is to allow space for the hard feelings and validate those experiences for ourselves. If you're feeling exhausted at the end of this year, that makes sense, and that's okay.

I truly believe that we can't move forward unless we properly grieve. This might not sound groundbreaking to some of you, but maybe a few of you are like me and need your therapist, your spiritual director, your mentor, your friend who is a therapist, your life coach, and your Enneagram coach all to tell you before you get it. 🙋🏻‍♀️😂 It's fine. We're in this together. 

STEP TWO: How have you grown in the last year? When something upsets you, how did you respond a year ago? What about now? Write about all the ways you've grown, changed, and developed. I love this question because observing the self year over year is a lot more beneficial than expecting linear growth month to month. What have you persevered through? How have you become more self-compassionate? 

This might be a good time to journal about your values and how you've seen yourself align with them in the last year. Sometimes, how we change year to year has a lot to do with the things life has thrown at us, and sometimes we've changed in ways we haven't chosen (like losing a loved one or moving unexpectedly), but I still want to direct our attention to these shifts. If the biggest way you've grown is understanding that you don't have to be okay all the time, that's a huge point of growth for most of us. Are you proud of yourself for writing about this? I'm proud of you! You're showing up for yourself, and that's monumental.

STEP THREE: This is the fun part! What are you looking forward to this next year? What growth would you like to see? Maybe you're excited for a big birthday or you're working on being more self-compassionate. 

A couple weeks ago, my husband and I sat down and talked through our thoughts on these questions (yes, we do all three steps). When we got to this part, I shared that this time next year, I'd like to experience less self-doubt. As an Enneagram Three, I think people assume that I think I'm awesome all the time, but, nope! I feel self-doubt too. And in the weeks since this conversation, the willingness to voice this desire has helped me bring more awareness to self-doubt when it creeps in. Vocalizing that desire has already helped me to be more intentional around how I respond to myself compassionately when doubt creeps in. It's also helped me to get curious around what I need to understand about myself to be more mindful when self-doubt is present. I've started building a reading list of books about stress, self-compassion, boundaries, and building habits so that I'm not just blithely wishing for less self-doubt but actively working toward it by facing the root issues. This change process is slow-going for most of us, but I'm looking forward to reflecting on how things have shifted by this time next year.

What are you hoping for this year? How will you support yourself along the way?

If you still love traditional resolutions….

That’s totally fine! Do what works for you. For me, creating more space for sadness has allowed me to be more self-compassionate and understanding. Whatever you’re choosing for the new year, I hope you’re able to find the space, kindness, and connection you need to thrive in 2021.

Happy New Year! Love, Steph