Are inner critics a One thing? 🤔
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Do you have an inner critic?
In the Enneagram world, we often dismiss the inner critic as a “type one thing,” but ANY type CAN have an inner critic. (And by the way, as someone who has historically had a searing inner critic, it shocks me to hear that not everyone DOES have this pervasive inner heckler!)
My inner critic can hang with the best of them. As an Enneagram Three, my inner critic is often focused on ideas like “what will people think,” “you’re not good enough," “you can’t do it,” “you don’t have enough experience,” etc. Let me tell ya - it can be rough! Sometimes, it’s not so much a phrase or a message as it is a feeling that comes over me that makes me generally feel pretty icky about myself.
What does your inner critic say to you? How does it make you feel?
I often feel that if I’m perfect, there will be less to critique. Have you ever felt that way? But perfectionism can’t actually protect me because “perfect” is impossible. If you’ve got this lethal cocktail of inner critic and perfectionism, you probably know that when you reach “perfect,” that sneaky little critic can still find something to improve. If this all sounds very “One-ish” to you, that’s why I’m writing this! I have spoken with people of every type who have a harsh internal voice, so I think it’s important to expand our concepts of what it means to be a person, beyond Enneagram type.
For the last year, I’ve been working on embracing more self-compassion. I thought that if I let myself off the hook I’d be worse, but I’m not! When my self-talk is compassionate, I’m happier in general, and I’m able to approach life with balance and appreciation rather than frustration. I am not perfect by any means! I’ve still got that little perfectionist inside, but I’m learning and growing, and that’s what’s important.
In addition to coaching, therapy, podcasts, and everything by our patron saint of belonging, Brené Brown, here are a few resources that have helped:
This book juxtaposes the inner critic and the inner mentor. The inner mentor is a future self that is kind, compassionate, and everything you hope to be. The push of this book is to release praise and criticism from others as measures of worth and embrace the voice of your inner mentor as a guide. It’s fantastic! I highly recommend it.
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff
This is perhaps the quintessential book on self-compassion. One takeaway from this book is the idea that being self-compassionate does not mean ignoring harm you’ve caused: it means building the strength of showing up fully for yourself and others and taking ownership of any harm you’ve caused without self-flagellating or becoming excessively self-critical.
If you want to check out other books I’ve enjoyed, you can do so here.
In a recent podcast episode called “Your Insecurities Aren't What You Think They Are," Grant spoke with several people across various industries about the ways we deal with insecurities, imposter syndrome, and the voice in our head that says we can't. It was helpful for me, so I highly recommend it!
Here are a few phrases I’ve started to use to reframe my internal dialogue:
“It makes sense that you made that choice. It felt like the right thing then.”
“You did the best you could with what you had / what you knew at the time.”
“You used to do things that way, but now you’ve learned a new approach, so you’re changing things.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes.”
“Be a goldfish.” (From Ted Lasso - thanks, Coach!)
Am I a completely different person now with only positive self-talk? NOPE! It’s still a bit challenging, but I’d love to share what I’ve learned - feel free to share what you’ve learned, too! What have you learned about managing your inner critic? What activities have helped the most? What phrases might you use to reframe your internal dialogue?
If you’re still here, I’ve got an extra special secret for you: soon I’ll be offering a group program to help you learn the Enneagram as a whole (not just your type) so that you can apply it in your life and relationships. If that sounds interesting to you, be sure to keep an eye out for emails in the coming weeks!
Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you embrace yourself with kindness today.
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